And then what happened? the officer interrupted. "Why are you here again? If you cant find a date! "Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time". 195. 187. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. Any dog, because buildings cant jump. I always pronounce one word wrong. "Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. Where do sheep go to get their hair cut? Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late. The librarian politely told him that he was in a library. A flat minor. Theyre immediately taken back to a room. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. What did the big flower say to the little flower? He got fired. Because they make up everything. In case she needed to draw blood. 25 You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. ""Yes," sighs the husband. Those dont look fat-free. Sure they are, the cook said. How's the water? A Husband and Wife at Custody court. They read: For best results, put on two coats., A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. A facepalm. I aint never seen nuthinlike that in my entire life, I aint got no idear what it is.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-netboard-1','ezslot_22',625,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-netboard-1-0'); While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. They are short and easy to remember. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. 206. You will be able to keep friends and family laughing with this long list of the best jokes! How does NASA organize a party? When do computers overheat? 57. They're a boar. She gets out and says "I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. It needed a root canal. Have you ever talked to a lawyer? 56. 116. "See that over there? How do you open a banana? What do you call someone with no body and no nose? But all these years you never said a thing. 184. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? 62. It was pointless. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? 22 How can you tell if a redneck is married? Take a look at this collection of jokes and have a good time! Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. Mistle-toes. It had buck teeth. Because of all the sand which is there! A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. A stick. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Carl had a big swollen nose. Mississippi. 69. A parrot. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. Because theyre always stuffed! This is one of our favorite joke books. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. Dad jokes are both beloved and despisedlike corny puns, they're funny because they're so not funny. The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. 41. He eventually makes his way over to the bear. Theres a cure for that, though - a long joke! Why do bees have sticky hair? 225. A walk. 89. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second? Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo! Why are teddy bears never hungry? 230. Is it mine or the machines?". 1 Two Redneck Farmers. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative. Here, I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker? Jim said. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, 30 Y.O. He was looking a little green. 234. They are worth a good eye roll from them! You're the father of quadruplets! A palm tree! 231. The second redneck says, Oh yeah? Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today. 182. Hey Pandas, Who Was Your Favorite Black History Month Icon You Learned About This BHM? In case there is a salad dressing, 59. Last year you suggested Bahamas and darned if Earlene didnt get pregnant again., Dale asks Billy Bob, So, what you gonna do this year thats different?Im taking Earlene with me.. They belong to me.You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. My thermometer just broke.". I excel at sleeping. Cattle-logs. He ordered some. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. What do you call a fake father? (Closed), I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Artist 'Invades' Major Capitals Around The World With Fluffy And Flossy Pink Drapes And The Result Is Adorable (56 Pics). "Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there? 296. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened? The man replies, I hit this rabbit with my car and now its dead! The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. Throw him in the mainstream. What runs around a yard without actually moving? A trebled man. Put a little boogie in it. 274. A comedi-hen! 51. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. If athletes get athletes foot, what do elves get? How's the water?". Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Because the bed wont go to you! Right where you left him. Why did the poor man stock up on yeast? How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Where does the General keep his armies? They log in. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? A can't opener. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Nep-tunes. What do you get when you cross a grocery store and a scientist? Book-worms! What kind of chicken is the funniest? He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "scotch. they are always good for a laugh! He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. Because he was always spotted. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up without help? My dog sat on a piece of sandpaper. Whats the worst he can do there, besides rattle the bars? What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? 300. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree. The past, present and future walked into a bar. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill. Launch. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? 254. A cocker-poodle boo. Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. My brother came back from school all motivated because he said he would be following a new diet from that day. 61. 276. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction." Teacher Appreciation Ideas 100s of the Best Ideas, Over 300 FUNNY Jokes to Make You Laugh! You're the father of triplets! ", This is the type of kid who will become a powerful investor or banker someday! The rabbit says, "I believe that I am a type o.". ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. You bet your fur! Whats the best smelling insect? Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us! What do you call a pig that does karate? A garbage truck. 239. Now get ready to make some memories filled with laughter with these 70 hilariously funny jokes! Including cringe-worthy puns and corny laughs that'll give your dad a run for his money. The third guy ducks. You spend so much time on the course. Well my wifes so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we dont even have a TV. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. "The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one", A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. You look drunk. It was in tents. What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? It was tense. "Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. ", asks the bear. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long? A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. Whats a potatos favorite form of transportation? 262. Funny dad jokes that will make anyone laugh. They rummage around in the trunk, and eventually walk back over to the man holding a spray bottle. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? "Theyre all at the funeral. What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can't find the spoon. Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. What is the center of gravity? And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heterosexual!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); Wow! Jim said, You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker! The Dean nodded. The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?. No anti-jokes here to leave you wondering why they were funny. 236. You don't have to be crazy to be my friend. 131. Where does a waitress with only one leg work? What do you call a pig that does karate? These jokes may be corny, but that doesn't mean they won't make you laugh. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, What happened?, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. A pouch potato. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 53. 139. ""That's odd," answers the man. There are over 200 short jokes that will keep you and your friends chucklesnorting all day! , A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. These (clean) knock-knock jokes, puns, one-liners and gags will get them laughing. funny dreadlocks jokesharvey korman net worth at death. MY wifes so stupid, the other night I found condoms in her purse, and she dont even have a penis!. ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.The art collector replied, Ive had an awful day; lets hear the good news first.The attorney said, Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? What did the full glass say to the empty glass? We especially love would you rather questions at dinnertime. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Im a virgin.. 138. Whats red and moves up and down? Ten-tickles. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. What are a sharks two most favorite words? Why was six scared of seven? 36. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Between you and me, something smells! A swordfish! 292. Laugh more: Funny Money Jokes "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? "God said, "Sure, just a second. 280. They were hoping for a draw! What is a computers first sign of old age? "A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! What do you do with a sick boat? 54. What do you call someone who doesnt like carbs? What do skateboarders do when theyre really talented? Better yet, you'll have plenty of fresh material guaranteed to keep the gang in stitches for weeks to come. A Dell! 175. It starts to lick himself. There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. Because they know all the short cuts! 101. "I work for 7 Up! They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bulls. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! !Man, that sentence was way too long. 221. A stick. Is there anybody up there?" Hey yall Watch this! A gummy bear. "A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right. The first rule of the Alzheimers club is Wait, where are we again? 118. If you need a hilarious joke about animals - there are at least a couple of those in here. They have anty-bodies. Lemon aid! I had him chained to a transmission!. "I responded, "Inflation. The satisfactory. ", During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? I can do it with my eyes closed. Why are skeletons so calm? 94. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire.