He can see how boring Vegas really is. Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. I absolutely dread this. She has a job where you travel, and to him that probably sounds like shes achieving well (and she very well is) when *he is not,* comparatively. Sure within reason. Life is short. Get some counseling, dood. Same! Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. I think the phrasing is awkward, but its in there because he brought this up to his spouse to justify his position, so Im pretty sure he means they all agreed that theyd object to such a trip too. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Thats the issue here. OH MY GOD your husband makes me so pissed. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. (Im also not sure you can un-yoke controlling from its pejorative overtones, given that most of us have plenty of things wed require partners not do and we dont call ourselves controllingits always something somebody else does.). Companies hold meetings in Vegas because there are tons of conference rooms, hotel rooms, and restaurants, and its easy to get a direct flight there from virtually anywhere in the country, not because there is some bizarre motive to break up marriages or cause scandals among employees. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. Op, your husband is out of line and sounds very insecure. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. Youre adults. It sounds harsh, but stop comforting him *in the moment*, stop giving him your attention. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. Those were a big hit. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? Give me a conference in Vegas any day. But even if its absolutely true that hes worried about this, NO WAY should OP allow her husbands irrational fear sabotage her job! Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. This was not such a culture. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). But also, this is pretty clearly a business and financial question. Maybe this is anxiety and maybe it isnt not every illogical or inappropriate behavior is mental illness but mental illness is never an excuse to be controlling or abusive. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. Boss was happily married, and both he and his wife treated me like a daughter. In that couples case, I believe the wife was worried about being left alone at home, so the husband invited the wife to come with him on his trip, and at first she was planning to join him, but then her anxiety subsided and she decided to stay home and get together with friends in the hometown instead. This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. as an excuse for his angst. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. He was so untrusting, I wondered if I had made a huge mistake in marrying him we had only been together for a little over a year before marriage. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. or is it not? Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. This makes me MAD. We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. And no matter what, go on the trip. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. You say youre the breadwinner. What do you think?. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. For the more immediate concerns, maybe you could also suggest scheduling a phone call every night or something to help put his mind at ease, and that yall meet with a counselor to help work through his concerns. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. his friends wouldnt let their wives go. Dont choke or burn yourself! Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. My wife and I have two young kids. If I squint really hard, I can kiiiinda see the objection to the first scenario (though still not really), but objecting to the second is very weird. And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? Just Saying. I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. No, youre absolutely right. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. Hehesitated, but agreed.Onthe third day ofthe vacation, his parents, brothers, and their spouses were all sitting atatable outside whileI was preparing afruit salad. Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. When does his flight land? Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. But, sometimes there are letters that just make me want to scream. Just those who DO think its abuse should be aware that when they think that, the best thing to suggest is individual not joint therapy. Next, things you can do. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? Congratulations. In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. And I do like some gambling. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. You are not alone with this. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. Business trips are a normal fact of life in many jobs. Sorry for the confusion. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. When I was years into my emotionally abusive first marriage, I had a long list of all the ways he was great. It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. It may not be, in this case. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. Does hehave ahistory ofnot wanting toshare parts ofhis life with others? Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. But it wont be easy. THANK you. New Message From: MayaSubject: Iwent home after overhearing myhusband and his mom saying they didnt want metobeapart ofthe family vacation.Every year, myhusband goes onafamily vacation. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. Projecting your particular set of issues on to everyone else really is not helpful. I lounge by the pool, eat really good food, order wines not available in my area. Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. My anxiety would destroy her ability to enjoy herself, and thats not fair of me. If he refuses to go, go alone. On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. Some people really arent used to being apart from their partners. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. Friend: Uh-huh. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. But don't worry, Daisy. He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. Milkshakes there are ON POINT. Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. It IS super pricey though!! OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. AP, this is just a wonderful post. Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. Abusers often (successfully!) I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. At such time as we see abuse brought up as gratuitously as anxiety is, you might just have a point. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. Thats what I was thinking. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. Why would you visit Vegas when you live in NOLA, unless it was for work. I went just this month with my husband. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. With NUNS. I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. No. I went for the first time over the summer. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. If we could afford flying we would have. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) Where is he staying. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. Hello thanks for the comment but I do work I manage over 400 rental properties and Im a professional gardener for a estate. The most important part of travelling alone is that your lover is on the same page as you. Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. I know Im a good driver, and that I can handle this, but every time you have these little worry fits you make me doubt myself. Anyway, TL;DR, there can be hope for these situations, despite what the commentariat here may imply. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. Two birds one stone! We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Yet he says he would not even go without me. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. Hope you will enjoy the holiday! I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. For the OP, thats the problem here. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. Get that man into counseling, pronto. So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! The base issues came out to be general worrying about me travelling by myself (tons of catastrophic what if scenarios) and FOMO (shes having such a great time without me). Shes very, very conservative Christian, as is her husband. One ofour Bright Side readers sentus ane-mail pouring her heart out about atricky situation shes going through. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. Yes, this. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. I didnt hear that there were kids. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. Its a very highly policed city. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. (And there is outside reinforcement for this my MIL things Im insane for letting my 10-year-old go to the bathroom, which I can see clearly from our restaurant table, alone.) I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. If you dont trust me, and I have not given you reason not to, were done. Yeah, I saw that. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. It is obvious that anyone who says that has never been here, because there arent even that many people who are obviously Muslims living here. If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. Sorry, that isnt useful. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. I spent a lot of the day just wandering around the strip). What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? Yes. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. Ive lived in Vegas for over a decade and have attended many, many conferences here as well as in other cities. And plenty of men there without their wives. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). He would be excited, even. So thank you for the comments. We are leaving Saturday for a vacation on Florida. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. She worries about me being out alone after dark and it gets dark at 4:30 p.m. in the winter here. Well, okay, then, if your mom says so!. Bartending is legitimate work too. Shopping! A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. Seriously, I think most of my husbands friends have been to Las Vegas at some point for their jobs, no matter what their jobs are. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. But if not, why would you stay with this. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationray florets and disc florets are present in 2022.07.03 . And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. Your argument is based on extremes. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. My boyfriend used to freak out every time I had to travel for work. (Im glad to report that years later she is completely reasonable and sensible about these things and I love her dearly!). This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party. Counseling perhaps. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Jealous? Its just such a common conference/trade show city! Forbidding is a different story). We can take care of ourselves.