"We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". They say, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. Meaning: You will do something harmful to her because . Please buy it! But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. I would love to deliver all his stuff to his girlfriend except I wouldnt know which girlfriend to go to.. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. Ask for forgiveness without making excuses. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. Signs You're Holding a Grudge Even If You Don't Think You Are - Insider Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. This happened to me or similar. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. When u end it. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Not doing it! Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. Its finally over. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Ive been 1 year out of an unhealthy 3.5 year relationship, and Im struggling with thoughts about breaking 6 months no contact with her. I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. Never saw my best friend again. Same people. Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. if I did I would seriously push tht waste of space over the nearest cliff!! This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. In all honesty, only a few. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. Have I forgiven them? I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. Just wanted to clarify. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? Grudges are a form of punishment. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. Do you think its mature behavior? Ive kept my head held high, hid behind a smile and time has made it easier but boy has he spread some lies about me. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? He has shown you who he is, now act on it! If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her.
Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. Ive taken this year to get happy on my own, and for the most part i am, except Im having major lack of confidence in moving forward and dating again. I guess Natalie would say let it go. What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) What a douche! You made the right decision. there is so much more to my current world of pain. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. Beautiful, Sparkle! Sending love and hugs your way. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Youre holding a grudge! Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! Mayo Clinic on Incontinence - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW The Essential Diabetes Book - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW Ending the Opioid Crisis - Mayo Clinic Press, FREE Mayo Clinic Diet Assessment - Mayo Clinic Press, Mayo Clinic Health Letter - FREE book - Mayo Clinic Press. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). She is pathetic. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. I followed him. I dont hold a grudge but by god I will no longer hit the reset button with this total dick head who I spent 5 years with, who has made this the most painful, long drawn out break up I have ever experienced in my life. In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. I will never allow her to the chance to make me feel like I am NOTHINGand that is a direct quoteever again. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. . I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. The trouble is we live in a small town and Im due to see him at another event next week. Youre mean to not want to go there. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! In: Integrative Medicine. anyways, i still miss my ex and his daughter. Note from the examples: Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. Intelligent doesnt automatically mean healthy. There are days that you just want to stay in rather than go anywhere that's true for just about everyone. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. Theyre either in or theyre out! Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. She did not mention the message she had left me. Don't get me wrong, Penn gets upset. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . 156 0 obj
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Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. What makes someone do that? There have been many dramatic scenes during which I talked too much and he apologized, mostly sincerely. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. You maintain your dignity with silence. Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. This has been my biggest weakness! Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. This content does not have an Arabic version. Let the Dam Break! Holding a Grudge vs. Allowing Forgiveness Itll be wasted emotion on your end. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. Tinkerbell The biblical standard is that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to one woman. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! privacy practices. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. I have a mother like that too! Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. Its unfair. . Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. And awareness. This is yet another occurrence where you put something into words that I havent seen anywhere before. At first, I tried to play it cool. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. Sparkle that video is really emotional to watch for me, having been where that woman was too. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. He expressed his resentment of the new policies. . Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. So need this. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? Like my mother for example? DONT. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. i know I am a jackass. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. Similarities Between The Dog That Bit People And The | Bartleby I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. She moved in with a new guy within a couple months of our breakup, and it is an effective deterrent to me reconciling anything with her. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser.