Ive bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. I recommend you check out this somewhat related article, which touches on these types of thoughts: https://whatsyourgrief.com/nighttime-rumination-grief/ You are not alone. I want you to know that there is hope. She didnt write a good bye but her journals gave us a peek into her life of pain. I see every wrong move I made that led to him doing it. My parents both worked a lot my father at a prison 3rd shift and my mother as a nurse. I dont want to keep treading these waters, but I dont know what lies ahead. I just want to pull him back so strongly. It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened. No one can understand this struggle and the pain unless it has happened to you. Abandonment, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, bullying, hunger, shame, humiliation. She left suicide notes we cant have them until after the investigation. His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. They were close and if anything she prolonged his life, or his willingness to stay anyway. Unfortunately I have felt this loss myself several times. Now, in the midst of my on journey through the wildness of grief, after the completion of suicide of my nephew this past Easter, Im now numb and know many of these truths will have new meaning in my life now and moving forward. Richard Martino May 1, 2021 at 7:54 pm Reply, Julia I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber was struggling struggling all the time. I still dont believe it almost 7 months later. My mom hadnt been able to see my dad. Kay, please know that one someone dies by suicide there is typically a serious mental health issue and there is nothing external to them that causes a decision like suicide. I still feel like I shouldve gone over there. I dont know how to feel because my emotions are all over the place, sad one moment and angry the next. Wed known each other since 95 and were each others first school friends. I do trust that he is honest and very caring. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. And she doesnt need to. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. Became to much to bear. IsabelleS January 6, 2021 at 10:39 am Reply. My nerves were already sent in spirals. Changed my life forever. He was 16 and I cant help but think that he had so much life to live. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. When we lost him to a sudden heart attack right in front of both of us we fell apart. I left a card on the doorstep and hope to hear from them soon, but eve Im not sure how supportive I can really be for them. My sister was my best friend. I just killed my brother - YouTube She had fought depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts since she was young. a part of me is glad that he is no longer suffering but i feel like his anxiety and depression have been transferred to me. I feel less scared now, and some peace knowing that my moms pain is over. I eventually was able to say Hes dead, and everyone around me just stared. On 1/3/2023, she left the house, seemingly normal, to go to a therapist appointment. Its a open investigation. Thanks for sharing. But I have. These may manifest as the following, to name just a few: In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them find peace and understand what happened. I cannot stop shaking. Brother of Marine Kareem Nikoui kills himself by memorial site Approximately 90%of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. Theres rumors he hurt people when he was alive and idk how to feel about anything. Either way, be well my friend. With permission from Iris Bolton. I am crying with you and your family tonight. My 24-year-old son took his life last month. That I dont think this despair will ever stop. Six days before she took her life, my Mom shared with me that my beautiful hand me down dress Ive cherished for a decade belonged to a friend of hers that killed herself. After a suicide death, conflict may emerge because: Evidence suggests that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. I stopped it so many times before. The neighbor ran out of house screaming and called the police. IsabelleS October 19, 2020 at 11:20 am Reply, John, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I am searching for answers. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that theyve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. That title is amazing! My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. My Mike suffered almost his entire life with depression and PTSD from an abusive alcoholic father. Remember dumbo with his big ears. She had filed for divorce moved out and was happy go lucky to collect the life insurance .when he did this she ddnt even call us. Your sister wasnt thinking rationally for if she was she would have considered the heartbreak she would be causing those that loved her. Put off major decisions if you can. Thank u Houston, jasmine September 20, 2017 at 6:22 pm Reply. We would communicate off and on throughout 15 years of knowing each other. You will never get over them per se, instead life will hopefully get easier as you learn to live with them. I hope you feel the love that I am sending you. Ill be forever grateful that I had the most loving and brave big sister for at least 19 years in her human shape. I think of his parents and his sweet family that took me in everyday and I would give my own life a million times over just for him to be here. I just had to reach out because our stories are a little bit similar. Thank you, Ive recently been searching for info approximately this subject for ages and yours is the best Ive came upon till now. Hear my prayer. I am devastated. A mask covering our smiles, our frowns, our children. I lost my son to suicide going on three years this coming Sept. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. IsabelleS September 25, 2020 at 11:53 am Reply. The most painful part for me is my brother, seeing the emptiness in his eyes after losing his little girl. Nobody could make me laugh as hard as he could. He said he was disgusting human being with a sick fucked up head who deserved nothing but pain and death. Ive never had any legal trouble in my life and am not a trouble maker. She left a beautiful son age 8 who is gentle soul . I was not aware of those things until after his death. I thought they would listen to me and get him help. My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. This is fucking sad and hard and pretending that it isn't just makes it worse. I am in my year of firsts. Isabelle Siegel January 25, 2021 at 9:49 am Reply. Happiest guy ever with a great family. That didnt work. I was upset at her but never expressed it. I am getting grief therapy because I dont know how I can handle this pain. May you all find the light. Suicide aint the answer, one day or another they will realize they messed up and werent there for you and youll be there to hear that. He and I were maintaining a long distance relationship so I never knew he was drinking the whole time, despite claiming sobriety. I witnessed the scene. It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy. Please do your best to save yourself so that your kids will have the balance and love that only you can provide. Especially you folks that are the ones that found your loved ones. Don, I am so sorry for all you are coping with. As soon as I learned of his death my heart burst wide open with love for him. He was the most important person in my life, Ive never been more myself with anyone, and so everything we shared is put into question now. She took her life when it wasnt expected I know its a different situation that you were in but I know the pain and Jesus died on the cross for all of us because he loves all of us he doesnt want to see us in pain its the only way Ive been able to get through this and I know he loves you and he wants you into His life which is everlasting I know we never have to live this pain forever, Josie Evanson December 12, 2021 at 11:22 pm Reply, My wonderful bf just killed himself 7 days ago. He could not hold a job due to his mental state, It was just failure after failure until he reach a point where he had had enough of this life. I am so sorry that you didnt receive a meaningful response to your original post. I found his body. I was 250 miles away, in Washington, sitting on one of those silent subways the city is known for. Then it all turned around when we got home and the alcohol started to get into his blood deeper. The school counselor told us and Sean that he was faking it for attention. I was supposed to watch our kids do these things together. Thoughts? Many of our friends neighbors and family has never contacted me. I owe my whole current life and family to this individual and it has been eating at me that he is no longer here. Answer (1 of 6): I cried um I thought of all of our memories good and bad and I am going through depression and I didn't know how to react I was just shocked and cried and I miss him and I kept thinking why would he do that and he would be graduation this year. He even told the cops what happened. He never got help. Or so violent the investigation of the scene from detectives was being treated as homicide. My condolences and I hope you find peace and comfort in the future after dealing with such a heartbreaking loss, stranger. How am I supposed to get over it ? They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. We miss my dad every day. I pray each and every day for God to have mercy on his soul, as he has requested. My heart keeps breaking for those teenage and preteen girls. Lana, Elaine Kay December 29, 2017 at 6:16 pm Reply. He was so easy yet so hard to love and I could never figure out why.. we fought often I was stupid and use to tell him to get out of my house and he would but then hed come home.. Thanksgiving weekend we had this HUGE fight he was with his parents and I was stupid and told him to move out.. I keep wishing I had put aside my ego and talked to him maybe hed still be here. Unfortunately, there is no simple hack to move past grief. He just had better means to do so. Dreams. Life can be so cruel. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasnt with me? My son lived out of state. I have 8 grandkids who love me and my 3 kids and I cant imagine hurting them and them feeling like I feel. Last thing I can think of at the moment, offered up from the distance perspective of years, write down your memories, archive photos/videos etc. My mother died 5 years ago having never told me the truth. He hanged himself in the garage on a Saturday night, March 2nd. I have been forced to reevaluate my relationship with my father, my mother, my siblings, and extended childhood family. Im heartbroken for all involved. It didnt kill him but the next day, he jumped off an overpass and the traffic on the highway. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. My dad hasnt been himself for years, and I guess I do feel a bit of a relief knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he can no longer hurt my mum. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt. Here's a closer look at the incident, the case and what followed afterwards: The murder. My son lost his battle with Bipolar disorder a year ago. Now I cant deal with the pain and the thoughts of her suicide. This pain just doesnt feel like it goes away but I know he will be with me forever. Ill carry this weight for the rest of my days. I miss you so so so much. There are only so many allowances you can afford someone in their grief. After losing a board game to his younger sister, he reached for the wooden block of knives on the counter and pulled one out. Why I mourn Frank Roque, who killed my brother in hate Yes, its like people are afraid that they will catch something if you share the dastardly news. Im so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through. I am Moving forward . What Ive learned in the past year is that ever though life is extremely painful, it is worth living. On January 2nd my twin flame made the choice to take her life. I personally dont think she would have done that. Each day is still such a struggle and I find myself no matter what Im doing always and constantly thinking about him. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, shes in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I dont even know if this is gonna help her. Love never dies. My mom killed herself with a pistol in front of my dad with all of us in the house on june 8, 2020. it was so unexpected and traumatic i dont even think i have processed it yet. Regards. (My dad hated being cold) We got him a camp bandana to cover the gauze. Its all she could talk about! We were happy. I yelled his name I covered his wound to help him stop bleeding. althought i can totally picture in my mind how he was found. Your email address will not be published. I had talked to him the night before. This has been a roller coaster of emotions because he was the perfect man when things were good, but when stress/ anxiety/ depression/ life situations took over, all those uneasy feelings kept coming back. He cant imagine life without her. Always hold onto hope but reality is showing me that Ill never be ok. She finally switched physicians and got the new one to prescribe her a lethal dose of a blood pressure medication that she told them she takes for migraines (she had never taken it before, I figured this out after her death by going through her emails and the possessions that the police returned to me). Hi, Im so very sorry for your loss. Dear Sarah, your friends death is not your fault. That is beyond comprehension to me. Not even our parents. it appeared that his chemistry was altered negatively after two months on a prescription he was given for his enlarged prostate. But as a father and husband I have to push on for my family. I say that because it wasnt known at the time. Once I attended the wake and funeral for my friend I felt much better and I felt a sense of closure. I have struggled heavily with my fathers loss. I often wonder what I did wrong and why so many others have great support from them. I think its very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. She made me a better person just by knowing her!!! Life does not make sense anymore. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term committed suicide as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. My heart goes out to especially knowing how much his pain feels. He was never a depressed person. Peter February 6, 2023 at 9:32 am Reply. I spoke to him that morning and he was happy, he loved boating and was out with friends having fun and drinking. The aftermath never goes away. But some days were angry, some were confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. Im totally feeling your pain after my beautiful wife gased herself in the family car leaving behind our little 9 year old daughter and a 27 year old , 15 and 13 year old . It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. I miss him so much and I dont know what Im supposed to do now. I choose to say he made a unimaginable choice he was in perpetual pain. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope there is still hope and you will find your way out. Thoughts of personal blame and responsibility. I miss him so much. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. My only son took his life in the morning of January 1, 2013. At Christmas, my husband became very anxious and depressed, and he was having difficulty functioning. My mom and brother held his hands and my dad said he was so sorry and that he loved us. Hey Katharina. I am 37. I didnt ignore them on accident. Scott Johnson death: It's 'inconceivable' my brother killed himself Please keep swimming, just like Dory says just keep swimming swimming swimming, Mike B. August 30, 2021 at 11:22 am Reply. No note, no reason therefore no answers. He had no idea what to say. He did that regularly so I thought he must have hit so hard it knocked him out. It maybe helpful for you. He found out I self-harmed. He wasnt my best friend or anything maybe like a good friend at most so part of me is always telling myself that I shouldnt be hurting right now. No amount of time will mend this heart of ours. Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. I feel paralyzed and sick to death every time i think of his passing. No one has heard from him or can get in touch with him. I could have given my life for hers but, as a big sister, she took that idea. My brother took his life on 03.01.19. Last October 2018, I tried to jump off the Mount Hope Bridge in RI. I dont think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday Im still a baby I dont have a father or mother in my life anymore. Most of my regrets are for the things he never got to do , like seeing the see. That was on a Friday morning, I just didnt talk to him much,our daughter came out to stay a few days with us on Sat. I am lost. Im so scared, but I dont think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. He had asked his parents to let him stay at the vacation house one more day and they reluctantly agreed. I have had his friends and family blame me, and just cannot get over him. Dear June I am so very sorry for your loss and grief. Try to find psychotherapy which is good one . If youve read this thank you, please pray for my family, as this has left us shaken to our cores. Approximately 90%of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. They are both doing very well. The death, which for so long could not be discussed, is now featured in the newspaper, from my dear mother who lied to us initially believing she was protecting us.. Bekah December 8, 2020 at 11:23 pm Reply. my brother John thought he was a burden on us because of his drug addictions. I dont think saying my son committed suicide is any different than saying his father died in a car wreck. Johnny February 12, 2021 at 5:08 am Reply. What hope is there for this life? But he knew it was something that made him a different person. I just lost my brother he was murdered August,17th 2021. . Oh man, I wish I knew what to say besides I'm so sorry and that's incredibly sad. He had just turned 20 ten days before. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. One last I love you at the end of our phone call. Ive called his cell phone many times and no answer. He hurt me, this unfortunate situation doesnt justify his actions. She was 25 & had depression. Ive done research and many studies in other countries recognize suicide as a high statistic killer in pregnant women, but up until last week none of us around her knew that. But, its a tar pit trap. I wish I could hug tightly each one of you: I feel your pain which is mine as well and I hope you will find the strength to honour their life with putting extra light in yours. I feel so bad for his family. I got a call from my dad saying that my brother was no longer with us and it left me in shock. My mom came home after being gone for two days from babysitting for another brother while he and his wife were out of town for a wedding and found him. my brother killed himself and i blame myself. Sad truth is nobody kills themselves but a person who wants to. He was hysterical, and called fir help. I feel so alone, as theres nobody whos experienced the same near me. I had tried to help my little brother for years. At 54, shes dead in her bed, and we dont know why. My small family has been shattered and will never be the same. She called the cops who pulled me off of the railing of the bridge right before I was about to jump. I never would have thought in a million years that people could be so unsympathetic or callous to such a tragedy as suicide. Because to do anything else will not help you or your husband . Papi and I are spending the Holiday Season in Quebec, to try to escape from the pain for a little while. On line trolling hurts people. This tragic event has destroyed me. He said he was going for a walk. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me. IsabelleS January 13, 2021 at 12:28 pm Reply. Im so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. Every little thing the people do or say around me tick me off and I cant help it. Thats all I know for sure.